Ghosting has ripple effects for both the sides that can undermine self-esteem and reinforce unhealthy relationship behaviors.

Key Takeaways

1. Ghosting’s rise coincides with the popularity of online dating and mobile apps.
2. Dating apps depersonalize users by increasing psychological distance and reducing empathy.
3. Ghosting leaves people feeling abandoned, questioning their desirability, and grappling with uncertainty.
4. Self-awareness is key to avoiding ghosting behaviors (see 6 ways to avoid ghosting below)
5. Coping strategies can overcome pain, build resilience and promote healthier relationships. (see 9 ways to deal with being ghosted below)

What is Ghosting?

There are two kinds of ghosting. Both involve disappearing after making contact, but only one comes with treats. Ghosting at Halloween means you ring the doorbell, leave a bag of treats, and then run away before anyone can see you. Ghosting online or on dating apps is simply disappearing without an explanation. No treats. In fact, quite the opposite. Ghosting can cause considerable distress by leaving the other person wondering what happened. Ghosting is an increasingly common relationship management strategy. It is also unkind, generally inexcusable, and often indicates a lack of maturity, courage, and empathy. Just because “everyone’s doing it” doesn’t make it ok.

Ghosting—the sudden disconnect after some amount of contact—is the ultimate silent treatment. Withholding contact is a passive-aggressive, detached communication style that can have ripple effects for both parties. It may seem like the fast and easy way out of dealing with discomfort, but it can trigger feelings of abandonment and rejection and even increase the temptation to act aggressively against others for the person ghosted and undermine healthy relationship patterns in the ghoster.

How Often Does Ghosting Happen?

Looking at the research and media polls, there is no clear answer. The frequencies for ghosting are all over the place, depending on who is doing the measuring and who and what they are asking. Some 2019 surveys reported approximately 25% of people had been ghosted, and 21% said they had ghosted someone (Forrai et al., 2023). Some report experiences of ghosting to be as low as 13%. However, a study of 333 US adults found that 72% had been ghosted, and interestingly, 64.5% of them reported that they had also ghosted someone themselves.

Since over half of those under 30 report using a dating site or app (Vogels & McClain, 2023), it’s fair to say that ghosting is a common enough occurrence to a point of concern, especially on dating apps. While the benefit of dating apps is that they enable you to meet people outside your social circle that you wouldn’t meet otherwise, they also contribute to the frequency of ghosting. Ghosting behaviors increase when offline and online social worlds don’t overlap, reducing social accountability.

Ghosting and Technology: It’s a Match

Virtual environments can make translating normal behavioral patterns tricky, and dating is no exception. It’s hard to navigate the emotional roller coaster of romance without throwing tech into the mix.

Dating apps have further increased the frequency of ghosting. Mobile apps gamified dating—even commodifying it– reducing the perception of potential matches as real people with feelings. This is exacerbated by a format that makes it feel like there are plenty of fish in the sea—whether they are fish you WANT is another matter. According to Tinder stats, 80% of their users say they are interested in a serious relationship, 60% are between age 18 and 34, and 83.5% of users access the app on their mobile device (Elad, 2023). The structure, however, depersonalizes users, making empathetic connections more challenging by turning dating apps into entertainment, in spite of many users’ professed desires to find serious relationships.

The apps are optimized for mobile, making the personal information sparse, and leaving the user to draw their own conclusions from a photo. The apps are easy to check on the go, amplifying psychological distance and decreasing emotional investment in any single match, especially when it is common to juggle multiple matches in the “getting-to-know-you” stage. While this does not necessarily indicate commitment phobia, it can lead to cognitive overload and more ghosting.

The Arguments in Favor of Ghosting

Not surprisingly, rationalizations for ghosting abound. Here are two big ones.

They “deserve” to be ghosted

Many people argue that there are some circumstances on dating apps that warrant ghosting besides sheer laziness. Aggressively rude, disrespectful, or threatening comments fall on this list. I understand why this makes “sense,” given our cognitive biases, but that doesn’t make it right. When someone behaves badly, it can trigger the retribution bias. Where the Just World Hypothesis describes the inherent belief that bad things should not happen to good people, the retribution bias activates our innate response that people who do bad things should pay for it. This “eye-for-an-eye” cognitive bias makes ghosting feel like an acceptable response to bad behaviors. When responding to a jerk, the social injunction against being rude in return is lifted. But be careful with this one. You may think you’re protecting your mental health, but unless you feel physically threatened, your self-esteem will be better off by honestly cutting it off with an honest note, not by ghosting. It will keep you from feeling victimized.

It’s Easier to Ghost than to Explain

This is a super common excuse. We all know that breaking off communication can be awkward and uncomfortable. Being honest can be hard when it’s something the other person might not like to hear. People-pleasers, in particular, can have a very hard time being comfortable with decisions that might upset someone else, especially a partner. Herein lies the rub. Ghosting is a maladaptive social pattern. As a relationship strategy, it is akin to behaviors that are truly destructive to long-term relationships, like the “silent treatment.” Ghosting is abusive, and, given how little effort is required to end an online relationship with a short text, it shows a lack of maturity and interpersonal skills. Seriously, no one is THAT busy. So, while it may seem easier, the short-term gain of avoiding discomfort comes at the long-term cost of your own personal development and self-esteem. There are few places where you can get such easy practice of safely setting boundaries than on dating apps. This is a life skill, not just a dating one.

What’s the Big Deal? Ghosting Hurts!

Whether virtual or IRL, research consistently shows that we have three basic psychological needs: social connection, agency, and competence (Ryan & Deci, 2000). Being ghosted may seem innocuous, but it undermines all three needs, decreases well-being and increases mental distress and the risk of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. Here’s why:

Ghosting is the symbolic withdrawal of love and belonging.

Humans are social animals, driven to connect with others. Research using fMRI machines shows that social pain is every bit as painful as physical pain (Akitsuki & Decety, 2009). Feeling “undateable” is psychologically painful, even without a romantic attachment. The uncertainty and lack of closure can lead to decreased self-esteem and a lack of confidence about one’s romantic appeal– especially if the ghosting takes you totally by surprise. Ghosting can also cause people to question their ability to read social situations and interpret communication (Konings et al., 2023).

Being Ghosted Makes Us Feel Powerless.

Being ghosted undermines our sense of control and increases our sense of helplessness—the exact opposite of having agency. Mobile apps reduce social cues and disrupt social norms and behavioral patterns of interpersonal relationships, violating our expectations based on the assumptions or schema we hold of how relationships are supposed to work. People who feel they have little agency tend to be more stressed, anxious, and depressed, feeling like there is nothing they can do to change things.

Being Ghosted Causes Us to Question Our Ability

Powerlessness also undermines our competence and self-efficacy. When we are ghosted, we don’t know how to take effective action. Our efforts are met with silence. This can create confusion and even disorientation, causing us to question our ability to read social cues and tell the truth from lies, leaving us feeling undesirable and often guilty and ashamed, as if we were the ones who did something wrong.

6 Ways to Avoid Being a Ghoster

People ghost because they don’t want to continue a relationship, not because they want to hurt someone. In fact, ironically, many people think they are sparing someone’s feelings by ghosting. Ghosting avoids the stress of confrontation, but no matter how overwhelming it feels to deal with ending a relationship, it doesn’t justify inflicting pain on others. Here are some things to remember if you’re tempted to ghost someone:

1. Don’t fool yourself. Ghosting is NOT a kinder way of ending a relationship (even a short one) than sending a short “Thanks but no thanks” note. Frequent ghosters not only risk inflicting unnecessary psychological harm on others but can also undermine their own mental health and create unhealthy relationship patterns.
2. Reflect on your behavior. Don’t ghost on a whim. Decide what behaviors are dealbreakers and how you can best handle them to feel good about yourself and avoid the later guilt of knowing you wimped out.
3. Plan ahead. Brainstorm some notes ahead of time so you don’t have to end a relationship exchange under stress. (e.g., “You’re great, but I’m not in the right space right now.”
4. Keep it short. You are under NO obligation to explain why you are disconnecting—only that you are doing so. People have a natural tendency to feel they need to respond to questions. You don’t.
5. Have empathy. A simple, polite reply keeps the other person from wondering what happened or what they did or didn’t do.
6. Feel good about yourself. You’ll feel better for having been brave enough to tackle the discomfort. Believe it or not, those positive feelings are the germs for greater strength and resilience.

9 Ways to Deal with Being Ghosted

Statistics say that if you are active on social media and dating apps, you have high odds, statistically speaking, of being ghosted. Here are some things to consider.

1. Don’t take it personally. Remind yourself that the “ghoster” is a coward who cannot face the consequences of a dating partner’s reaction, such as hurt or anger. It is not about you.
2. Watch for negative self-talk. If someone ghosts you, it is common to think we were somehow to blame and that we did something wrong. However, you aren’t and you didn’t. Watch for feelings of shame, guilt, or feeling “less-than” so you can recognize and stop them, replacing them with positive statements or affirmations. Remember that you are in charge of your self-worth, no one else.
3. Engage in self-care. Find activities that build your self-esteem, bring joy, or demonstrate your strengths and talents. Positive emotions are healing.
4. Do something for others. Volunteering or finding some way of helping others not only keeps you from ruminating on your situation but also builds self-esteem.
5. Spend time with real friends. Don’t wallow and feel sorry for yourself – appreciate having genuine love and social support from people you know and love.
6. Congratulate yourself for dodging a bullet. Anyone who would do that isn’t someone worthy of your long-term investment. It’s hard to be rational when you’re emotions are bruised, but ghosters are demonstrating the emotional maturity of a middle schooler, not integrity, empathy, and compassion. They aren’t worth it.
7. Practice coping strategies. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, listening to soothing music, or taking nature walks can help you process pain, rejuvenate your spirit, and inspire new ideas. Living well is the best revenge.
8. Start a gratitude journal. This doesn’t have anything to do with dating apps, dating, or even ghosting specifically. However, writing down three things that you’re grateful for every day will improve your emotional outlook and self-esteem. This not only impacts your well-being but also contributes to the quality of your relationships.
9. Report and Block. Not all apps accept reports of ghosting—Bumble is just starting to— but remember that you can report abuse to the app or platform. Use your ability to block users that don’t add to your well-being. If you were at a party, you wouldn’t stand where you could hear a jerk or have them insult you. You don’t have to do it online, either.

Ghosting has become increasingly common as peer-to-peer technologies and networks expand our social reach. The strength of weak ties, as Granovetter proposed, extends our access in wonderful ways, but it simultaneously decreases social accountability and increases feelings of anonymity.  The rise in ghosting behaviors enabled by technology do not mean that it’s an acceptable relationship management strategy or that you shouldn’t feel bad if it happens to you. Technology changes faster than the human brain and in our brains, rejection in any form hurts.

References

Akitsuki, Y., & Decety, J. (2009). Social context and perceived agency affect empathy for pain: An event-related fMRI investigation. Neuorimage, 47(2), 722-734. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.Neuroimage.2009.04.091

Elad, B. (2023, May 2). Tinder statistics – by users, demographic, match rate, country, usage and social media traffic. EnterpriseAppsToday.com. https://www.enterpriseappstoday.com/stats/tinder-statistics.html

Forrai, M., Koban, K., & Matthes, J. (2023). Short-sighted ghosts. Psychological antecedents and consequences of ghosting others within emerging adults’ romantic relationships and friendships. Telematics and Informatics, 80, 101969. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tele.2023.101969

Konings, F., Sumter, S., & Vandenbosch, L. (2023). It’s not you, it’s me: Experiences with ghosting on mobile dating applications and Belgian emerging adults’ self-esteem. Sexuality & Culture, 27(4), 1328-1351. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-023-10065-3

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Vogels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Retrieved September 25, 2023, from https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/