What to Do When Your Child Sees Pornography and Violence Online

Parents should assume that, at some point, their child will come across something inappropriate online, such as porn or violence, that can be upsetting or scary.  Younger children are more likely to have this happen by accident.  Older children may be curious.  Just like the Playboy Magazines hidden under the beds of teens in prehistoric times, tweens and teens will have heard about all the “horrors” of the Internet and may want to see what all the excitement is about.

Don’t wait for something to happen to give a child some tools for dealing with it.  Talk with them about how they can identify good content and good behavior from bad or destructive.  Give them specific behaviors so they know what to do if an unpleasant or frightening event occurs, from images to people making overtures.   Tell them ahead of time that you won’t be mad at them if they come to you. But make sure they know how to block content and users and how to report inappropriate content. If they are old enough to watch YouTube on a phone, they are old enough to block and report, too.

It’s important to separate the content from the kid and avoid labeling.  The content is bad.  The kid is not bad.  Keep in mind that children develop over time.  The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until a person’s early to mid-20s.  So, your child’s ability to understand, to control emotions, to make judgments, and to make sense out of their world is a continual work in progress.

Talk Early and Often

The first step is to talk early and often about important things. It lays a foundation of trust for all kinds of issues, not just internet porn.

Stay Calm

The second step is to remember to stay calm.  No matter how freaked out you are as a parent to the thought of your child being exposed to frightening, violent, or pornographic material, Overreactions can intensify shame.  Most kids have some sense of what’s ok and what’s not.  Even if they came across something by accident, they could be ashamed to tell you.  Let them know you’re not blaming them, that you want to problem-solve and help them.

Talking about inappropriate such as porn can be as anxiety-provoking for the parent as it is for the child.  The tendency to want to protect your child by taking away devices or putting on parental controls are natural.  They are not, however, productive in the long run.   Not only are you signaling your child that you don’t trust them, but you are also keeping them from developing critical thinking and learning how to navigate an environment that, try as you might, you cannot protect them from.  The earlier they learn to make judgments and learn safe behaviors, the safer they will be.

Identifying inappropriate content is hard because the impact partly varies with age and maturing of the child up to a certain extent.  Younger children are also less able to separate what’s real and what’s pretend.  No parent wants to talk about violence much less porn.  Start with conversations around internet safety and the kinds of things that go wrong.  Then brainstorm strategies with your child for when things go come up—which they will– as soon as your child has access to a device.

One of the questions parents may get asked by a young child is “How will I know if something is bad?”  You can help the child make judgments by using their critical thinking but also by check-in with their bodies.  Inappropriate content can cause discomfort, fear, stomachache, sweaty palms, or a change in heartbeat, which are the same physical messages you’d get if you weren’t in a safe place.

The natural reactions to finding out your child has seen something like porn can be panic, fear, and anger.  Take a deep breath.  Give yourself a moment so your brain reengages and you’re not just relying on those “Mother Bear” instincts.  No matter what your gender, parents want to protect their children.  In this case, you will do a better job of protecting them if you can hold your emotions at bay.  When parents are reactive, they can make the child think that the situation is worse than it is and feel responsible for upsetting their parents.  Your job is to help your child, not have them comfort you.

Beyond that, taking away technology takes children away from their social worlds where they get healthy contact and support.  If they fear that you will react punitively, they also won’t tell you when something comes up.  They need help navigating their social world; it’s important to them.  The Internet is a big part of that social connection.  If they don’t feel safe coming to you, they won’t. Then you run the risk of longer-term issues.

Don’t Ignore It

If your child comes to you, that’s good news.  Don’t ignore it because it’s hard to talk about.  When you ignore important topics, you leave them without the tools to cope just as if they hadn’t come to you at all.

Based on the content, figure out what are your ultimate goals and what lessons you want to teach.  Articulate them.  Yes, you don’t want them to see “bad stuff,” but why?  For example, if it’s porn, are you concerned about them forming healthy intimate relationships, objectifying women, or becoming addicted to stimulating or “forbidden” material?  Clarifying your goals will help you figuring out what to say and how much to explain in an age-appropriate way.  One of the points of the conversation is to help kids make sense out of what they saw and to put in context for them.  For example, seeing violence can make children anxious because they think the world is more dangerous than it really is.  Seeing porn can influence how a child, especially a tween or teen, sees themselves, romantic others, and what they think is a normal sexual relationship.

Once you’ve gotten straight what you want to cover in your head, practice.  It will go better when the time comes.  Here are some talking points you might want to include:

• I’m glad you came to me
• You’re not in trouble.
• Everyone is curious sometimes but it’s important to stay save online. Part of that is keeping your brain healthy.
• Talking about things can help us all understand better and feel better
• Sometimes things we see give us ideas about how the world works. However, a lot of what we see online is distorted and doesn’t show us a healthy way to behave, what it means to love and care for someone, or how to respect yourself.  All these things are important for you and how you feel.
• Can you tell me about what you saw and how that made you feel?
• Do you come across those kinds of things often?
• Can we brainstorm solutions? What do you think would work?

Don’t Assume

Some kids struggle after seeing something awful online.  Parents should not assume 1) that their kids are perverts and doing something on purpose or 2) that their kids are automatically traumatized by the content.  (Don’t suggest to your child that they are traumatized.  Labels are never helpful.)  However, having the ability to talk it out, especially when it has taken them by surprise or upset them, allows the child to make sense of the experience so they don’t ruminate or make more out of something than it warrants.  Sharing feelings can help children process experiences and normalize them.

For teens, parents can normalize curiosity and interest in finding out more about sex and body parts and distinguish that from pornography. It is also normal to want to get more information on things we don’t know about. Just like fake news and misinformation, there are different places and people where it’s best to get information.  Most children won’t ask their parents about sex once they hit teens, but it’s still reassuring to them if they know they COULD ask you about sex and that if you don’t know the answer you will help them find it.

Some kids don’t like to talk about what happened at school, much less how they’re feeling about something upsetting they saw online.  This doesn’t mean you, the parent, should ignore it.  Even if all you get is shrugs and eye-rolls, you can still tell your child that you’re available to talk anytime.  Let them know that you want them to be prepared to handle what comes along and to be able to stay safe and feeling good.

This is also a time when you want to pay attention to your child’s behavior. If there are noticeable changes or they act differently at home and at school, it might be a time to seek professional support to get an experienced opinion.  Many kids will tell psychologists things they won’t tell their parents for many reasons, from fear of getting in trouble to fear of letting their parents down.

Keep Checking In

Whether your child will talk or not, don’t just have one conversation.  This is not the time for “one and done.”  Have multiple conversations.  Don’t worry but don’t just move on.  The chances of your child becoming addicted to porn are very small, but assuming they will never see porn again is totally unrealistic.  Check in to see how they are doing.  Communication is the key to building trust and being able to keep unpleasant events from turning into problems.